Well you see her when you fall asleep, never to touch, no never to keep.
This came out all wrong the first time around.
Guess I'll try again.
Almost exactly a year ago, I began something that I knew from the beginning would not end well. That little place in me that feels things got all wrapped up in another person. Our time was just a brief intersection on our seperate roads. We knew we were both simply passing through. So we passed together. Then we waved goodbye, and went our different directions.
I played it off as cool as I could, but I also knew it would destroy me.
But I guess not really right? I mean here I am.
I let myself become vulnerable with another human being. I loved every second of it. I was never, at any moment...unaware of the disasterous consequences.
I've lived every day of my life since with those consequences.
I would do it all again without a second thought. Without hesitation.
Over a year and a half ago, when I became single, I stated that it was my intention to remain so. When I entered into that brief affair, I knew my resolution would remain safe. There was no chance...ever...at any moment, that I would not still be single when it ended.
We started with a predetermined expiration date. We ended right on schedule.
There is no getting that back. There is simply holding on.
Since then has been a sort of emotional numb.
This is not depression. Please don't think so. I don't devote time or energy feeling sorry for myself, or hating my life. In fact quite the opposite. I'm typically very happy.
I'm also typically very numb.
I've reached a point I think where I might not want to be...but it's so
I meet new people all the time.
Why just today I was surrounded by so many beautiful faces...and I wanted, so very goddamned much, to feel something.
I don't mean simply physical or sexual attraction. I'm so accustomed to those things that I hardly notice anymore.
I mean the spark. That connect that reaches oh so much deeper than the superficial.
Sometimes I think that I want that so badly that I may try too hard.
Or maybe that's just my imagination, and I don't try hard enough.
Or at all.
When I was eight or nine, my family took a trip to see my grandparents in Arizona. The trip took us through Las Vegas. It was my first time seeing The Strip. The lights. The buildings. The people.
I had a feeling when we passed through.
I would live there someday.
It was more than a feeling really.
Now I don't believe in psychic abilities. I don't really hold with any type of spiritualism. I don't know about future recognition, or circular timelines, or forward projection. For the most part I think it's all a load of bullshit.
But I distinctly remember that feeling of recognizing Las Vegas as home...the first time I ever saw it.
I never once felt compelled to move there. There was never a reason for me to go there.
I ended up there.
It's true. It's a long story that I'm not going into...but living in Vegas was one of the least planned things in my life. It just happened.
Like I knew it would when I was eight or nine.
I have that same feeling about Chicago.
I don't know that I will ever actually live there.
I've never even fucking been there.
Not once. Ever.
But I feel like I might end up living there someday.
I don't feel compelled to move there.
I have no reason to go there.
I don't really know much about the city at all.
Just a feeling.
But I don't trust my feelings anyway, so who knows.
If it doesn't happen, I won't be surprised.
If it DOES happen, I won't be surprised.
I am made out of patience. Sometimes I just get these feelings that things will happen. Sometimes those things actually do happen. I never ever ever feel like I need to make them happen. I just need to wait. That's all. Just wait. So I do.
I get that feeling with some people too. I see someone. That's all. Just see them, and I know that our lives will in some way intersect. I don't feel like I need to make the intersection happen. I just need to wait for our roads to cross. Many times it takes years...but...everytime I've had that feeling about someone...
it's happened. Ususally it's quite profound.
There are a couple people here in SLC, who I'm pretty sure we're gonna connect.
I'm just as likely wrong.
I don't trust feelings. Those things are fucking liars.
What I wonder.
What I sometimes think about is...
If the other person feels it too.
Does this person have a feeling of patient waiting? Do they also understand that in time, what should be, will be?
Do they even know what should be? I sure as shit don't. I have no fucking clue. I simply know that it's something.
Valentine Michael Smith said it best I think. "Waiting is."
The girl who I had a brief thing with last year...well see I've talked about the end of that story so many times, but never really the beginning.
I had met her years previously, and I knew...when we first met...that in time...
Time is a miserable bitch, and so I have no choice,
but to be made out of patience.
I think, you and I may have a dance yet. So as long as there is music playing...