Saturday, March 15, 2014

Wish upon a Star

I am on two different dating sites.  That might be a lie.  It's within a realm of conceivability that I'm on more than two, but if I am, I have no recollection of joining them, and haven't visited them for...ever?  I am on two that I'm aware of.  This is funny to me.

I joined one at the request of a friend.  I don't now recall exactly why he recommended I join.  He must have had some compelling reason at the time.
The other one I joined, because I read a pretty funny article online about it, and just had to see for myself.
Both of the sites are free for basic use.  You can of course upgrade membership for full access to photos, emails, and even creepier stalker/voyeur options.  I haven't paid for the upgrade.  I won't.  I just can't bring myself to spend my not that hard earned money on the "business" of love.  Especially since, in all honesty, that's the last reason I'm there.

I never visit these sites on my computer.  They aren't bookmarked.  They are never really on my mind at all.  I just don't at all feel compelled.  The only reason I remember that I have them at all, is because I have the apps for each of them on my phone?


Because my phone is the most powerful computer I've ever owned, and I have like...8 apps on the damn thing.  3 of them that I actually use with any frequency.  So I filled it up with shit I don't care about, just to make me feel like I'm putting it to use.

So every once in a while my phone will alert me that I have a message from one of these dating apps or the other, and all of a sudden I remember that I actually have the damn thing.

I feel like I should mention at this point that this always suprises me.  I have not once, ever, initiated a conversation with anyone on any of these sites.  I don't send anyone messages.  I don't rate photos.  I don't click on the yes/no options when it's offered to me.  I in no way put myself out there.

What makes this even more of a surprise is that I've intentionally made myself rather unapproachable with my profile information.  I do my best to make it apparent that I am not relationship material.  I have said that I am not looking for anything requiring committment.  I don't want to casually date, and I'm not simply looking for sex.  Honestly if it's not one of those three things...what the hell else is there?   I very honestly indicated that I don't drink, I don't go to bars, I'm not into ANY scene, and I don't want kids.  I am a happy atheist who won't talk about religion, politics, or your past failed relationships.  I won't be a surrogate dad to your kids.  I won't be a shoulder to cry on.  I'm not interested in getting to know you.

Honestly, how fucked up do you have to be?  How desperate, to want someone like that.

I've been very deliberate, and intentional in making myself unapproachable, yet...


Yet for some unfathomable reason, I am still occasionally approached.

I'm always nice about it in my return messages.  I'll answer questions.  Ask my own.  Carry on a conversation.  I'll always be honest, and friendly.  Eventually, they figure out that I was serious when I said I wasn't looking for any of the things I said I wasn't looking for.  The conversations fizzle, and they stop writing.

I'm always okay with that.

One girl told me that I reminded her of her ex, and she had to stop before she fell in love with me.  I was a "heartbreak waiting to happen.".
I laughed really hard at that.  How she had projected so much of someone else on to me.  How she was already predicting our future through just a few simple emails.  I mean it's awful I guess, but I laughed.  I did.  Out loud.  I had the decency to not write LOL, wished her a happy life, and good luck in her search, and that was it.  It was fun conversations.  I don't miss her.

They're not all friendly.
These sites list your age for the world to see, and I've never really felt compelled to lie about how old I am.
I recently got this message.

"If your 40, and single, your gross." (sic)

I could honestly only think of one reply.

"If YOU'RE 40, and single, YOU'RE gross."

She replied...

"I'm NOT 40. I'm 26.  Your an asshole, never talk to me again.". (sic)

My attempts at helping with grammar went completely unnoticed, once again affirming that choosing not to go into a teaching career was a good decision.

I also found it interesting that she initiated the conversation with an insult, and then demanded I never speak to her again.  I don't judge anybody really.  To each their own, we all share this big blue/green rock, but sometimes its easy to figure out why someone might be on a dating site.

Then again, that may be harsh...allow an explanation

Although I've indicated on these sites that I'm straight, I'm often hit up by other guys.  This never bothers me.  I know what it's like to be a guy, and I know what it's like to have sexual attraction, and I know what it's like to have lonely nights, and I know what it's like to want another person.  I'm not at all attached to gender specificity.  I get it.  They're casting their lines out to see if they get a bite.

I always reply to their messages too.  I figure if someone took the time to write to me, then it's the least I can do to take the time to respond.

Guys are interesting creatures.  I've gotten a ton of nude pics.  Most before even the slightest conversation.  Most don't include a face, or salutation,'s my dick.
I'm a big boy.  I can handle it.

But I can also see how that is just...not even remotely attractive.  Although I don't really feel invaded, I can see how it could feel invasive.  I'm not offended, but I can see how it's offensive.

Mostly I just don't understand the tactic.  I mean sure...swapping nudies is as much a good time as anything else you can do in the digital age, but seriously, it's not the best starting point.  If a guy did that in a bar, he'd get arrested, but the safety of wireless and plastic allows for an entirely different kind of protocol.

So if this young woman with the bad grammar is used to receiving such greetings and intros, I completely respect where she's coming from.  She see's my profile.  Identifies me as the asshole I am, and unleashes the frustration that's been building up based on experiences with other users.  I don't really fault her for that.  I don't.

I simply wish she'd paid more attention in the third grade.

Usually when I do get a message, and remember that I have a profile, I'll browse other profiles a bit. It passes time, and is sometimes entertaining.  It's also...well..kind of monotonous.

The stories are all the same.  Loves dogs/cats.  Love their kids, but hate the baby daddies.  Love hiking, camping, books, reading, music.  "I have a weird sense of humor" is a big one.  "I keep it real", is another.  Really there are only about 6 variations on a theme.

All the past failed relationships.  All the heartbreak.  All the pain, and misery has made them who they are.  All the youthful adventure, and now just want to settle down with someone.  All hoping to find the one.  All hoping to find Prince Charming.

I blame Disney.

Nearly everyone on the planet is of age to have been influenced to some degree in the ways of love by Mr. Disney.  So many people now using Disney terms, weather or not they're even aware of it, in casual conversation, or profiles.  The One.  Prince Charming.  Handsome Prince.  All these silly little ideas of romance.  Some imagined idea, of a destined love, and the story ends at the perfect first kiss.

It's just so...

I wish I could get behind it.  There is a romance there.  I guess.  That the perfect someone is out there, just waiting to be found.  That god, or fate, or destiny, or the stars, have assigned you that one person who will be the perfect fit to all of your missing or broken pieces.  It's neat, that idea.

It's also just so much bullshit.

And that's what all the profiles boil down to.  Looking for "the one".  Waiting for one single person to come along and be perfect.

I just...can't.  Sometimes it makes me laugh really hard, and sometimes it breaks my little black heart.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying that you can't find someone, who you will eventually spend the rest of your life with, but really the odds are just...not at all in your favor.

Also, why just one?  We're on a planet of 7 billion people, and we are not at all biologically programmed for monogomy.  The Disney dream is nice, but really now.

I'm also not saying we should all be polyamourous, and have multiple of everything.

I just know that my experience has taught me that I am capable of loving so many people, for so many reasons, in so many ways, to so many degrees.  I can't imagine for one second that I am unique in this.

I also get that yeah, for the sake of structure, and security, and comfort, and kids, there is an appeal to a single family unit.  Marriage provides a defined structure and environment for the tots.  A security for the adults.  Something tangible that can be relied on.

At least til the boredom kicks in.
Until everything in the relationship becomes familiar.  Predictable.  Boring.

All of a sudden when things DO become familiar, predictable, and boring...all of a sudden the poor sap realizes they may not in fact be with "the one".

"We simply fell out of love."

No you didn't.  The love is still there.  It doesn't go away.  You got bored.  He got bored.  She got bored.  That ole spark just doesn't spark anymore...but lo and fucking behold, it sparks just fine somewhere else.

Eyes wander.
That feeling comes back again, and...

Instead of assigning it to chemistry, we call it love.
Now we're in love with someone else, but we're trapped in a stale marriage/relationship.
Maybe our original one, wasn't the one after all, and this new one is the real one, because this one made me feel again, and the old one seems to ignore me.


Patterns of human nature.

And so now instead of realizing that we are in fact on a predictable course, we have to create reasons to get out of a situation.  Invent all the things.  Boredom.  Neglect. Different paths. One reason, adds to another, and another, and pretty soon, you're hating the person you once thought was the one.  So you can make yourself available for another one.  Or perhaps just go exploring again so you can find out if there is another one.

I know this all sounds very cynical, and black.  I know that.  I am not unaware of what I'm saying, and how it's coming across.  Feel free to disagree with every word.  Feel free to defend that you are different.  Your relationship is immune to such things.  Feel free to tell me that I am the anomoly, and it's not at all like that.

Then go read some singles profiles.

Look back with a degree of analytical observation at your own past failed relationships.

Nothing has turned me off to the entire dating world, more than being on a dating website.  Nothing has made the idea of "love", more mundane.

I tell people I don't date, because well... I don't.

Here's the thing.

I understand.
I get it.
I do.

I see the appeal of being comfortable with someone.  I have had that.  It's nice.  I understand wanting someone in your life who "gets" you.  Who laughs at the same jokes.  Who appeals to your particular sense of human aesthetics.  I get attraction.  I get connection.  I get desire.  I understand all these things.

I was simply cursed with an analytical mind that too easily sees through the fog, and can predict outcomes based on trends.

So what did I just say?

That I won't play the game, because I already know how it ends?

Yup.  That's what I said.

Except there's more to it than that.

Even though I know how it ends, you see...I was also raised on Disney.  Through all of that bullshit, (yes I can call myself out on my own bullshit), I also still harbor that particular vision.

I would love to find "The One"
I also don't for one second believe that the one exists.
I do think that there are many many many....
Any of whom could become one...or one of the many...
but I just don't have the energy for that.

I'd love to have a night where I don't sleep alone.
I'd love to have inside jokes with another human being.
And pet names.
And ways we pamper each other.

I'd love to be a person that someone brings all their shit to, and feels better for it.  I'd love a person who can help carry my shit.

I also am not built for any of that.

See here's my reality.
I'm shit with emotion.
I can fake it okay on a stage,
but when you fake it in real life, eventually if a person gets close enough, they figure that out.

So I don't want to find "the one".
I like my life a mystery.

I don't want to find "the many"
I like my life simple.

I simply want to spend time with the people I'm comfortable with.
The people who are comfortable with me.
And wherever the river flows...well that's just where we end up.

I want every single person, on every single dating site to find exactly what they're looking for.
I want you to find what you're looking for.
I want us...all of find that place where we can say

Where we can admit

Where we can understand

That we are, all of us different.  We all want different things, and...
...and that's okay.

I want to surround myself, not in the love of one,
but in the love of all.

And I want to blanket all in my own love.

I want us to all take one another by the heart, and say...

It's okay.

I love you anyway.

You never have to hurt.
You never have to be alone.
You never have to feel insecure, because
You are loved.
As I am loved by you.
You are exactly what I need,
Because you are exactly you.

I want love without restriction.
Without boundaries.
Without rules.
Without Disney.

I want the universe in the palm of our hands.

I want to be beyond human.

With you.