D'ja miss me?

Five weeks.  I haven't posted in five weeks.  On a completely related note, about five weeks ago is when I got heavy into rehearsals for Death of a Salesman.

In that five weeks, I've dropped down from a pack a day kinda guy...to about three a day.  I'm not getting any less nicotine.  I'm just smoking far fewer cigarettes.  Thank you ecig.

As soon as Salesman closes, I'll be going straight into rehearsals for La Cage.  I was going to take a short break.  I'm not going to after all.  I'm okay with that.

I'm into my ninth month of bachelorhood.  At the top of it I stated that I wasn't going to be looking for any new relationship.  Nine months later, and I still feel the same way.  Still as dedicated to it, as I was on day one.  Is nine months long enough to say that perhaps this isn't a phase?  I still maintain that I can't read the future, and who knows what that holds...but I also maintain that I am not looking, seeking, or spending ANY effort to change my relationship status.

I was invited to join a FB singles group.  I did.  It's specifically for former Mormons like myself.  I was intrigued by that at first.  Turns out, ironically, that it's exactly like an online singles ward without any of the Jesus speak.  It also seems that I'm the only one in the group NOT looking to attach myself to someone.  Even in a group of singles, being single is anathema.  Needless to say, I quickly lost interest.  Of course I quickly lose interest in many things.

I am an introvert.  I turn almost everything...in.  Once it's in, I detach.  Once I detach, I analyze.  I put it all under a microscope, and scrutinize mercilessly.  It's a fun game.  I will go through incredibly long periods of time...out of the company of others.  For most of that time I won't even realize it.  I neglect pretty much everything, and everybody.  I'd apologize, but by now that's pretty much litany.  Besides is it really apology, if you and I both know it's going to happen again?

The problem is, once I resurface, I find my personal social meter is pretty far in the red.  My own fault, but I can't really just fix that either.  It seems a bit strange to just out of the blue say, "Hey, I know I haven't talked to you for a month...and it may even seem I was ignoring you...wanna get together?"

It's also a balancing act of desires.  This whole being single thing I got going on...it's for real.  It's what I want.  Ultimately.  For so many reasons, I don't even feel like getting started on a list.  It does however have distinct disadvantages.  Even beyond the obvious.

I've been remembering things lately.  Missing things.

I think of my ex wife.  We've been divorced for near seven years now.  I haven't seen her for probably about four years.  We once were oh so very close.  I miss her.  I think of her often.  Once upon a time I imagined a life with her.  A whole life.  It didn't work out that way.  She is so incredibly smart.  I remember how we used to talk, sometimes all night and into the day.  We created a language, unique to us, as so many lovers do.  We wrote together.  We sang together.  She was and really still is, amazing.  Sometimes a memory of her creeps up on me, and I lose my breath for a moment, and smile, and although she'll never know...I wish her all the happiness possible.  I hear of her successes, and I can't help but celebrate, in my own little way.  I am a better person for having known her.

I think of my ex girlfriend.  We were together for five years.  Now apart for just under one.  We laughed.  Oh my god, how we laughed.  We once were oh so very close.  I miss her.  I think of her often.  Once upon a time I imagined a life with her.  A whole life.  It didn't work out that way.  She has a devious wit.  An incredible charm.  She'll call bullshit when she see's it.  I always had such an incredible admiration for her, and even after all that time together, I always felt there was so much more underneath.  A mystery, that...probably to a fault...I didn't want to solve.  She introduced me to a lot of music I probably would not have discovered without her.  Sometimes, I'll hear a song that steals me back into memory, and puts me with her again.  She is so intrinsically, so deeply, such a good person.  I am a better person for having known her.

I think of my ex...no...my former?...no.  My never was.  We were never together.  Oh sure, we had a few weeks.  A few minutes.  A few moments.  I think of how never before, with any other person, had I felt at such peace.  Her very presence, calmed me.  Her eyes, soothed me.  Her touch, cured me.  Her everything...everythinged me.  It was over before it could begin.  Nothing began.  Everything ended.  There was a deadline without pressure.  A time limit, and no rush.  Just me, her, and stoplights. Torture in every smile.  I for one second...one instant...imagined a life with her.  A whole life.  It could never work out that way.  She is away now.  And our worlds just keep on spinning.  The mornings keep coming, the tomorrows keep arriving, and our lives go on, and on, and on.  Some dreams will always...simply...have to be.

I've never been one for wishing.  I grew up knowing that if there was something I wanted, I either had to find a way to get it, or find a way to go without.  Yet now, at the tender age of not getting any younger, I find myself wishing every day.  It's foolish.  It's a waste.  Nothing to do, nothing to be done.  Only when I close my eyes, is she there again.  Inevitably though, my eyes open, and everything is real again.  The lights go down, the body moves, and the actor takes the stage.

And so I pursue distraction.  I lose myself at work.  I chase my other love.  My life passion.  I read scripts.  I audition.  I rehearse.  I perform.  I do it all again, and again, and again.  I discover that after weeks of my life have passed, that I haven't really talked to anybody.  A few people here and there at rehearsal, or at work, or at home...but not really.  I find that I miss human contact.  I miss intimacy.  I miss inside jokes.  I miss talking in code.  All those things that come so easily in a relationship that is the one thing I don't want.  To have my cake and eat it too I guess.

It's a sublime life, and I love every bitter bite.  I have missed you in my absence.  I'll miss you still when I'm not.  I have told you this before.  This is nothing new, but...I think of you often, and when I do

always

always

you are smiling.