I recently in my life made a number of moves to elicit change. Change in scenery. Change in source of income. Change of location. Made some calls, online communication of sorts with various other people and organizations. Threw my cards into the wind, to see what would come up. I was rather, well, quietly aggressive about this. Only a few people knew of certain plans, and none but myself knew all of my intent.
Turns out it was all to no avail. Everything sort of fell flat. Fell through. And so here I am. In the exact same place as I was when I started, and although I still crave the change, I confess a certain feeling of defeat. I spend a great deal of energy, and at the end, the let down is just sort of...I want to say frustrating, but I'm too exhausted for frustration.
That old saying...Never tell God your plans. I think that's a silly phrase for a number of reasons. First off, I don't believe in the fella, and even if I did...I'm quite certain he wouldn't give two shits about my insignigicant little personal desires. There is nothing in the history of mankind that indicates to me, he would operate on such a petty level. He's much more into destroying nations, simply because a few guys like to get their shag on with each other occasionally. He seems rather fond of grand spectacle.
So then there's the whole "Put your positive energy into the Universe" thing. All that kinda drives me nutty too. Anytime I hear it, I just wanna go..."Do you know what the Universe is?" I'll tell ya. The Universe is mostly an unimaginable expanse of emptiness. That's right. we look up and see stars and wonder, and yes, it does excite the imagination but...
but...
If you could see the universe, you would see a whole fuckton of nothing. There is a LOT of nothing out there. That nothing is big enough to hold billions...yes BILLIONS...that we know of, and quite likely even more than billions of galaxies and nebula. And each galaxy also has a whole fuckton of nothing. Like seriously FUCKTONS of nothing. And each of those billions of galaxies in that hufuckinmongous universe is ALSO big enough to hold billions of stars. BILLIONS of stars in each of those BILLIONS of galaxies in that one great big universe.
The mind cannot conceive...so don't try. Or do. Rock out, whatever.
Now each of those stars, potentially contains a system of planets and moons, and with a relative degree of probability...life. Hell there's a good chance there's life right here in our solar system NOT on this planet. Little microbes and shit floating around the oceans of Europa.
So inside that universe containing all those galaxies...ours is rather insignificant. Inside this galaxy, our sun among the billions of others, is really nothing special. And simply because we are the only conciously evolved species that we know of, doesn't mean that we're all that exist. Seems kind of unlikely to me.
Face it folks...we're neat, but we're not THAT big of a deal. Our ego is astounding, but reality even moreso.
So the idea that the universe is some wish granting machine paying attention to us, simply because we think happy thought and "send them out there", is just sort of weird to me.
I mean it's neat. It is...to think that there is some grand plan, or divinity, or consciousness giving a shit about our well being. It's romantic. It's hopeful. It's probably gotten a lot of people through a lot of rough times. It's just not for me.
I'm also not egotistical enough to demand that I'm right. Fuck it. I don't know shit...I very well submit that I'm wrong. I just...well... I doubt it.
All that Deepak Chopra metephysics/quantum mechanics bullshit that he pushes to sell books...actually kind of has about as much to do with actual quantum mechanics, as Yeshua bar Joseph does to Christianity. Which is to say none at all.
Then again, who am I? If you're reading this, and you do get behind all that stuff...then...go for it. Honestly. Whatever you find in the spin around the burning ball of gas that brings you happiness, or gives you hope...then by all the gods that never were...eat that shit up. Get as much of it as you goddamn can. Seriously. Be happy, in whatever it is that gives you joy. Or peace.
I also do go for the whole "positive energy" thing. Not necessarily in the putting it in the universe sort of way...but more in the "we reap what we sow" sort of way. It does make sense that if the action is positive, so will be the reaction. Unless you remember that reaction is equal and OPPOSITE. Okay now I'm just fucking around.
Or am I?
I don't even know myself. See the thing is, it also comes down to energy, and I done run out of it.
The human brain is wired for negative bias. True story. Whether this is genetic, or habitual, or conditioning...I really don't know. But a bunch of guys in white coats who are way smarter than I am, have spent years studying human psychology and behavior have discovered this. Negative bias is natural for the human condition. We are programmed to think the worst.
Anytime we make a positive choice, that's what it is...a choice...against our programming. Now we can make similar choices often enough that like any other muscle it becomes easier and easier...but we are still acting against programming. It is simply easier to think negative than it is to think positive. So positive thinking takes effort. Especially for sustained periods of time. Especially for sustained periods of time with no positive result for reinforcement.
I put this out there, not as excuse or justification for being or feeling or thinking negative. I'm putting this out there as a public service. A "The More You Know" sort of thing.
Negative thoughts are more natural, and easier to access than positive thoughts. So it doesn't really do any harm to send positive thoughts/energy out to the universe, if thats the phrase you need...because at least you're making the choice to not follow the natural negative course. So I'm not saying its a bad thing or idea...this whole universe worship thing that has become so popular.
The only thing that bothers me about it, is the idea that The Universe is actually a concious entity that will grant your wish if you just believe hard enough. I don't mind a choice to be positive. I just don't like the God replacement that it's become for disgruntled and misplaced formerly religious.
But that's just me...
And I'm off topic.
I do that a lot. I ramble. I say all the wrong things. I piss off any number of people. I talk circles and go nowhere.
Especially when I feel stagnant. Which I do often. I'm a restless sort. There are some certain, specific things that I would like to happen, and well...they aren't happening. I become focused on these things. I make moves, extend effort, and then nothing happens. And that's what kills me. The nothing.
I am made out of patience...but I only have so much mass, and take up so much space. So being made out of patience still is not an inexhaustable resource.
And so what happens is, I'm tired, and I don't want to play anymore. I did the work. I put out the positive energy. I wore my smiles, and said my words, and they were all the wrong smiles. And all the wrong words.
And I come to my bed, at the end of each day, and I wait. I want. I look up at those stars inside our galaxy, inside our universe, and I make my wishes, and send them out there. Knowing full well the futility, but still exercising my frail human imagination.
I send my love to the ones I love. Thinking of them. Thinking of you.
Yes you.
I remember that although things may seem endlessly frustrating. Fatiguing. Infuriating. This too is a cycle. The down part of a roller coaster.
I know that the price of joy is pain. The price of love...loneliness. And I have had SO much joy, and SO
much love...and so the fare is due.
Its really just the greedy selfish part of me that wants you so badly.
So I'm still here.
Indefinitely.
All things...
as always...
On hold.
I'll wait for you. I really will. My imagination may never meet reality.
One who has wedded chaos as I have can never pretend to know a future...
But that can't possibly kill the hope of a bright one.
A better tomorrow.
A glorious disaster.
You know that thing when stars collide, and planets are born?
You and I should do that.
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