Dear Me, (1991)
You really do love her, don't you. Cherish that. Twenty five years later, you're going to look back, and remember every part of her. You will remember every single time you stood next to her, and everything inside you felt so good. You will remember what it was like to feel like you were important to another human being.
You are going to break her heart...but that comes later. Don't worry about that right now, but when the time comes, you will learn something about yourself. Don't worry about that either. It's the most important thing you will ever learn, but you won't know that right away. You're too young and stupid for that lesson.
I know right now, you imagine a life with her. You think you're going to marry her. You won't. I wish I could tell you to not be so eager. I can't. It wouldn't matter anyway. You wouldn't listen. You always were an obstinate little shit. You'll get better at that...but not much.
Right now, everything you know is wrong. Everything you think you will become, you won't. Everything you imagine for yourself, is...well...it's just so small. Kind of like your life experience.
You are focused on all the wrong things...but, and here is the big but...that's okay. Because right now you don't know it, but you're also, without even realizing now, that you are placing in your memory all the stuff that will matter. Thank you.
You are going to have a beautiful life. You are going to make so many mistakes. You are going to say so many stupid things. You will...well....you sir, are going to fuck up. A lot.
You will marry someone else, and you will love her like no other.
You will love so many people, and your heart will shatter.
You will, my dear boy, understand a pain, that you cannot in your youth, even begin to comprehend.
Don't be afraid. It only hurts forever. And that's okay. I know you don't really get that yet. But it is, and you will. You will understand that more fully than almost anything else.
Your pain will make you brave. It will also make you oh so very afraid. It will make you so incredibly stupid. And so very smart.
You will learn the word discernment.
You will learn the value of genuine kindness.
And thank you.
Thank you 1991 me, for taking chances. For taking risks. Because of those stupid things you do, you gave me experience. You gave me wisdom. Wisdom you didn't have then, but gave to me so many years later. Thank you for knowing that desire does not equal entitlement. In fact, for that little nugget of truth, go ahead and pass the grattitude down to five year old us, would you?
You see, 1991 me, twenty five years from where you are, you will be sitting on a porch, smoking cigarettes (yes, you smoke now, and you love it. Shut up) and you will remember her. You will remember how much you loved her. You will remember vividly, the kisses you are sharing with her now. You will remember what it felt like to hold her, and to laugh with her. You will remember all of the other hers that came after her. You will think of the hers that you wish could be..the her that captures...the her that...well...isn't. You will know why, and that's even more important.
I won't bore you too much with the details of your jaded future self. I'll tell you this, he knows things differently than you did. You taught him some things, that he values more than almost anything else in the world, and he wouldn't know those things, without you...and what you're doing right now. So keep up the good work.
I'll tell you this too. Nothing turned out at all the way you think it will.
It turned out so much fucking better.
But you...you just keep loving her. Love her so much. So completely. You love her with every goddamn thing you have. I need you to do that. I know you will...but...
Tonight, I will smoke, and remember.
Tonight you will hold her, and kiss her.
Tonight we will both smile.
No comments:
Post a Comment