Gratitude in Starlight

There is this thing that happens.  Maybe all actors get it.  I don't know, I've never really talked about it with anyone else.  That feeling sitting in an empty theatre.  Its sometimes overwhelming.  It's like home...but better.

 

I love it when no one is there.  Everything is dark, except maybe work lights over the stage.  I like in that moment, to find a seat in the audience.  I like to write a play in my mind.  Cast it from the world of actors in my head.  

I never use celebrities, or movie actors.  I have nothing against these people...but when I watch my imaginary production I use people I know...or know of.  People I have seen live.  People I have worked with.  People I have seen, in front of me.  People who have, in effect, moved me deeply in a theatrical setting.

I never cast myself in this little head play.  I think because its hard for me to see myself.  I never HAVE seen myself.  I don't have that kind of objectivity when it comes to myself.

I imagine scenarios where the stakes are life or death.  I watch my creations fight passionately for every breath.  Every word.  Every action.  I create my own cathartic experience, and sometimes, you are the star.

That's right.  It's true.  I imagine you on the stage in front of me.  I hope that doesn't creep you out too much.  For what its worth, you are profoundly talented.  As the director of this pretense, I don't even have to give you notes at the end of the show.  Simply a bravo.

What I like even more, is later.  In real life.  When I come out of my fantasy world, and really truly watch you on stage, and you're even better than I created.

I'm intimidated by you.  Your force is overwhelming.  Your beauty is staggering.  Your physical presence is so breathtakingly compelling, that I can't NOT watch you.

You see I have had the pleasure...I have been lucky enough...to work with some really amazing actors.  (Please note I use the generic gender neutral term here, and am actually referring to performers of both sexes.) There are many of you I have to honestly confess that the likelihood of us working together again is pretty slim.  Time and distance have too far separated us.  I never say never, but odds are slim.  This makes me sad.  Truly.  We told some incredible stories.  We had some truly heart wrenching moments.  In essence, we had fun, and I miss you.  I miss that stage connection that was so vibrant and alive.  I hope you are still finding those moments, and finding those other actors to share them with. You make me want to do better, to remember you well.

There are many that I have acted with, that I will almost assuredly work with again.  I can't wait.  I love that we have a building block to work from.  We don't have to start fresh, but can pick up where we left off.  The trust has been built and exists already.  Our launching pad is already so much higher.  We have already borne children together, and I can't wait to make the next one, just to see what it looks like when it grows up so quickly before our eyes.  It never feels like starting over, just continuing the next step.  I love you so much already, and working with you again is like coming home.  Its comfortable, and warm, and feels like the best kind of blanket.  Wrapped up with you in a common goal.  This is where my joy lives.  You make me want to be better, to make each new show shine brighter than the last.

Then there are those of you I haven't worked with.  The ones I've only seen before.  Not everyone I've seen.  Not every actor who's taken the stage before me, has done this to me, but there are a few...more than one, less than ten, who scare the shit out of me.  Its kinda like sex with someone for the first time.  You don't know if its gonna be great, or awkward, or horrific.  You don't know if you'll end up better lovers for it, or staring silently at each other from opposite sides of the room once the lights come up.  All there is right now is nervous anticipation, and the hope that I'm not too disappointing.  You are the ones who compel me to be better than I am, so that I might be competent enough to keep up with you if we ever are on a stage together.  You are the ones who have moved me, not by working with you, but simply by watching you do the thing so well, that I love so much.  You make me want to be better, to do with you to someone else, what you did to me.

Regardless whether I'm onstage performing, or offstage watching, this is what I do.  This is what I live for.  This is who I am.  I am a million other people all with the same face.  I tell a million different lies all with the same voice.  I am slowly weaving this little tapestry of my life, with the people who have meant the most offstage, because we wound around each other so closely on it.