A Whole Lotta Nothing

I think for my final role ever, I'd like to play Yorick.  It would I think be fitting, and pretty damn funny, if I was around to enjoy it.

My brain is on fire, but unfocused. I will allow my consciousness to stream, and see where it flows, perhaps we'll find safe harbor somewhere along the way, until then...lets drift together shall we?

I have mentioned before, but shall again...and probably again in the future, and probably again after that; I am a big fan of bad ideas.  This sometimes comes with consequences of varying degrees, but I simply can't help myself.  I will say yes to many things that all instincts scream against.  Alas, I have also found that my instincts prefer boredom.  Safety. Security.  The rest of me prefers to have fun.

There are some ideas that do go a little too far even for me.  For example I will never inject heroin into my body.  I will never sleep with another man's wife, without that man's knowledge, and I will never intentionally visit physical harm on another person or person's property. Beyond that I'm game for pretty much anything. There exists a high probability that you could throw out other suggestions that I would probably say no to, but there exists a higher probability that I would in all likelihood say yes.

You see I do not believe that I'm going to be around much longer.  Of course that's relative, depending on what you consider to be long.  I'm hoping for another forty years.  Fifty tops.  Of those forty to fifty years, probably only fifteen to twenty to keep pushing myself the way I do.  I am going to run out of gas someday.

I also do not believe that once I am gone, I'll get another shot at this.  I have no reason to think that I'll come back again, as another person, or rabbit, or cockroach, or plant, or any such thing.  I don't believe my consciousness will continue.  I don't believe that the person I am now will continue to exist is some afterlife somewhere, or float around the ether.  Those are all romantic ideas, and quite frankly I'd love to be wrong, especially on the reincarnation front.  Of all the possible afterlife scenarios, that one is my favorite.  I just don't have any reason to believe that I am wrong.

I get to play one time.  I intend to.

I am the ringleader of my own circus.  The star of my own show.  The author of my own unwritten autobiography, and I really want to make that an interesting read.  It may or may not be...to some.  Here's what I DO know.  Most of my best stories, do not come from the times I decided to play it safe.  They are not examples of me making the responsible decision.

This does not mean I'm not able to make those decisions.  It doesn't mean I'm not aware of them.  I am, and I very often do.  I may be sorta stupid, but I'm not all the way stupid.  Its simply that I can't think of a single time I made the safe and responsible decision, and it turned into an interesting story.

Let me say this...I have a LOT of interesting stories.  I hope to make many more.

A couple months ago I chipped my front tooth.  My current job does not provide benefits, or pay me enough to do anything about it in the immediate future, so it's simply something I'm going to have to live with.  Typically I'm not too concerned with my looks.  Fuck em if they can't take a joke.  This however is really bugging me.  I'm not the self-conscious type...but for some reason about this, I really am.  Perhaps its because there is currently not much in the world I can do about it.  I'm blind...I wear glasses...no bother.  I'm bald...I shave my head...no bother.  I chip my tooth, and all of a sudden I can't smile.  Its strange that after so many years of not caring...for some reason on this...I really do.
On the other hand I've spent many years trying to perfect my impish grin.  I console myself by saying the chipped tooth contributes.  I don't know that it does...but it offers some solace.

The above paragraph has nothing to do with anything.  I told you my consciousness was streaming.

I can spell consciousness without the use of spell checker, and I'm sort of proud of that.

You probably don't know this, because I never tell you this, so I'll tell you now.  You inspire me.  In ways you can't imagine.  I just wanted to tell you.  And thank you.

You make me smile.
You make me laugh.
You've brought tears to my eyes.
Your words are...well...amazing.

About my use of you.

Sometimes when I say you, I'm being very general.
Sometimes when I say you, I'm being very specific.
Sometimes when I say you, I mean me.

I think my brain just hit a brick wall.  I guess that's it for tonight.  I do plan to write more...and especially write more specifically.  I do think about a lot of things, but right about now...most of those things are Romeo and Juliet...or personal life bullshit...new job, new apartment, all that completely uninteresting stuff. Things that I could bitch about...but not here.  Here is for other stuff, and that stuff, well...it just isn't with me tonight.

Soon though...

Very soon.