Waiting is

Neophobe - Neo = new.  Phobe = fear.  Exact definition would be the fear of new, but in more appropriate contemporary fashion, it actually boils down to the fear of change.

Neophile - Neo = new.  Phile = love.  The exact opposite.  Those who love and are excited by change.

I propose for myself, in order to label and classify myself, which is something I never do, a new word.

Neomeh.  I do not fear change.  In fact, for the most part I am excited by it.  Aroused by new possibilities, toys, gadgets, experiences, locations, flavors, people.  All the things.  However on the other hand, I have complete disregard for change, simply for its own sake.  I find this to be a tedious waste of time.  If the change advances a situation, I'm on board.  If its simply to do differently than has been done, with no goal of an improvement in the situation, then fuck it with a wooden spoon.

I have, for a few months now, been in the midst of transition.  It has on some levels been heartbreaking, painful, frustrating, and pound-my-head-into-a-brick-wall productive.  Slow.  So.  Effin.  Slow.

Granted much of the slowness was due to a job that had rendered itself superfluous, my dedication to a show that took up a lot of spare time, and my own reluctance to actually take action.  However, the job is no more, the show is over, and action has been taken.

So now I'm on the cusp.  I have a new job.  Its actually the job I've been looking for, for over four years now.  No I'll never get rich doing it.  It's not the job that will lead to a dream career.  It IS...exactly what I need.  Something that will pay the bills so I CAN do the things I love to do.  This job will not conflict with my whole self assigned purpose for being, as every single other job in SLC has.  I am, to say the least, thrilled.  There are people who had a hand in helping me get this job, and to those I don't have enough gratitude to give.  Thank you.  A million times...thank you.

Although my ex and I have been "My ex and I" for a few months now, I've still been living in the same apartment.  With all the other things going on in my life, moving out has not really been possible.  It works out for her, because it helps her save money for when I'm NOT here any longer...however...

However, it is of course impossible for either of us to really move on (whatever that may mean) while we're still locked in a stagnant situation.  Sometimes although change is necessary, it takes longer than desired.  That's simply the way things go occasionally.

I have a new place to live.  I won't be there immediately, but I will be there.  Its now on the horizon.  I can see it, whereas, just two days ago...I couldn't.  I'm excited.  Thrilled.  And a little bit sad.  Its been inevitable for a while.  Something that was going to happen.  But now its happening.  Now it is.  Now things real in the back of my mind, are real in the front of my mind.  Things I had, out of necessity put off thinking about, are being not only thought about, but planned, diagrammed, and followed through with.  Now the change isn't theory.  It's action.

New job.  New place to live.  New social groups.  New people.  New experiences.  New faces.  New places.  All right in my lap, and it is a little bit overwhelming.  A little bit unnerving.  And a LOT exciting.  This is the kind of change I love.  The kind of change that propels action and response.  The kind that pushes my own comfort levels, and asks me to re-examine my self, and my habits.  This is the kind of change that allows me the metaphorical starting point to begin something brand new, and make the most and best of it that I can.

Its also the kind of change that makes me wistful, and reflective.  The kind where I look backwards with a little bit of pain, at all the things I did wrong.  At the things I have lost.  The things that were once such a huge part of me, are no longer.  That feeling of missing pieces.  Memories that come with the kind of smile that hurts.  The kind of change that prompts me to make a checklist of all the parts of myself that didn't work, and should be left behind.  Live.  Learn.  Grow.  Move on.

And that's where I am now.  That cusp.  It's happening now.  All of it.  Still a few weeks in the making, but it is being made...and I move with more purpose now.  I move with destination, instead of searching for destination.  I move from point a to point b, now that I know where point b is, and I do it with full steps.

The strange thing is, through all this change.  All this different perspective shit I've been going through, and doing to myself, and exploring...well....
I'm still me.  I've changed, but, I haven't changed at all.  The core is the same.  The emotional center is positioned a little bit differently, but still made up of all the same parts.  The bigger picture hasn't changed a bit.  Not one iota.  All the things that make me, me are still exactly as they were.  Still starved for attention, and still looking for the next stage and script.

All your faces, that have been with me on this ride, I still love.

I have changed, to become exactly the same.