ANATHEMA

This will probably come out a bit different than it was when I first had the thoughts.  That's what happens when I'm allowed to think.

While eating lunch with a friend today I had a realization that occurred as I was speaking it.  This happens to me often.  

We were on the topic of sex and relationships.  And why not, this is a favorite subject among many.  I realized in the course of this conversation, my biggest conundrum on the idea.  What will most likely prove my downfall in the end...if I get to live so dramatically as to actually have a downfall.  More likely it will be a long lasting minor annoyance and inconvenience.  Something I'll deal with, or find a way to deal with, or not deal with at all.  Who knows.

My problem...my conundrum...my personal paradox is this.  I don't want a relationship.  I've stated this before and it remains true.  I believe it will remain true for a very long time.  I'm not so wise as to be able to read the future, or so stupid as to fix my self so solidly in one way that I become forever unchangeable, but the fact remains.  I have no real interest in pursuing a romantic course of action with anyone.  I don't want to commit myself to another person on any type of emotional level.  It becomes a paradox when I realize how much I hate meaningless sex.

I've always been pretty open in my attitudes about sex.  Especially after leaving my religious childhood behind me.  It was one of the endearing qualities of my last relationship.  Finding someone who felt nearly identical about it as I did.  Funny thing is, it is not, as some would believe the thing that ended the relationship.  Not even close.

I hate the term "Swinger".  It works for pretty much everyone in that lifestyle, but for me it just carries such a negative connotation.  It seems so slutty.  In implies an idea of fucking anyone, anytime, for the sheer sake of fucking.  That's not who I am, or even remotely where my inclinations lie.

I always simply preferred the word "Open."  That's what I am.  I'm open.  Open to new ideas, new experiences, new places, tastes, foods, feelings...whatever.  I don't care what the experience may be, I'm open to the idea of it.

I know in a lot of ways the truth in the difference between "Swinger" and "Open" is purely semantic, but its what works for me, so I'm sticking to it.

So on top of all that there is "The Lifestyle."  This is really not so much a lifestyle as it is a group or groups of people who similarly identify.  Websites, parties, get-togethers, meet-n-greets...whatever.  The people who don't fit into the social norms.  Outcasts who meet in not so secret to practice and celebrate and play together because they have the emotional and mental liberty to do so.  Hooray for them I say.  Do what makes you happy.

The undesirables of this group is of course the single male.  Anathema.  This is the person who by long tradition of bad behavior brings nothing to the group other than just another hard dick.  As the stories go, this person is usually rude, traditionally pushy, and an overall parasite.  There are exceptions of course, but this is the standing attitude.

So now here I am.  After such a long time, an outcast among outcasts.  To tell the truth I'm more than okay with this.  For a certain time I attended said parties, get-togethers and meet-n-greets.  I'll be honest...I never really enjoyed them.  Even as part of the accepted, I felt that I didn't fit in.  My attitudes were similar, but yet oh so very different.  I'm honestly NOT slutty enough for said group interaction.  And please know that slutty is simply the term I choose to use.  I don't use it in a derogatory way.  I'm not making any attempt to place moral value or quality on there preference over mine...their type of enjoyment over mine...what they want over what I want.  It's simply the best way for me to communicate the difference.

I'm too introverted for those kinds of meet ups.

I'm also picky.

My being picky is not dependent on body type or image.  It doesn't have much to do with varying levels of personal attractiveness...at least by contemporary social standards.  As far as that goes I have a very wide playing field of what I find attractive.  I'm not going too much into it because frankly for the purposes of what I'm trying to communicate, my tastes in other human beings are pretty irrelevant.

Don't get me wrong.  The physiological ability is there, but that's simply not enough for me.  I need more.  Perhaps I take shit too seriously.  Perhaps not seriously enough.  Maybe I'm a snob...I have considered this, and not entirely discounted its possibility.  I just don't get off on simply getting off.  

I need a connection.  I need to relate.  I want to like you.  I want to in my own completely noncommittal way ...love you.  Not as a romantic partner.  Not as someone who wants to be with you and only you for the rest of my life.  Just the idea gives me claustrophobia.

I want to love you as one human being loving another.  Sharing something.  Consenting to an idea that this is fun, and awesome, and we are now even closer friends than we were before.  

Some people call this selfish.  I understand what they mean.

Some people call this childish.  Perhaps it is.

Some people call it unrealistic.  Maybe...but...

but...

Always with the buts...

I've had it.  It is rare, I won't say it isn't, but it is possible.  I'm also not saying I want that very thing right this moment, with whoever might be reading this.  I don't.  I simply don't.  I don't want every single piece of cake.  Like I said...I'm pretty picky.

So maybe wanting the benefits without the commitment really IS wanting my cake and to eat it too.  I'm not denying that, but it is something that I know from experience can exist.  

Some people don't understand.  That's fine.  You may not understand.  This too is fine.  I'm not trying to justify...simply explain.  Why bother explaining this now?  Because its my blog goddammit, and this is what's on my mind at 1 in the morning.  Thanks to a conversation I had at 1 in the afternoon.  My conundrum.

The thing is I'm fully aware of how rare what I'm describing is.  The truest sense of the words F'sWB.  I know that some people believe it to be SO rare, that it actually doesn't even exist.  

It does.  

Its also something that for me...if the friendship is close enough, I will forgo ALL of the WB to keep the F.  

As much as I like it...

Nay...

As much as I LOVE it.

There is no sex worth sacrificing a good friendship for.