Its that feeling that something is about to happen, but I have no idea what it is. It could be monumental. Probably not. It could be life changing. Just as unlikely. Something however just feels like...I dunno...buzzing.
Granted I'm going through a tumultuous time right now anyways, and on top of that there's the rest of my life.
So perhaps its nothing more than that. The gentle grind of slow transition. Apprehension and anticipation constantly battling. Waging war. Eating the leftover space.
Or maybe I've had too much coffee.
Its simply a feeling. And all the gods, both old and new. All my friends and loved ones. All the people I hold dear, or even those I hold at a distance, know that I am not one who easily connects with what I'm feeling. So although its there, I simply can't explore it. I can't trust it. I can't shine a light on it, because, well... I don't believe in feelings. But like all the other ghosts I don't believe in, it still haunts me.
Once upon a few years ago, I found a list. It was simply the top ten signs of diagnosing sociopathy. Of the ten I had a solid hit on eight of them. That was neat. Don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware of the dangers of self-diagnosis. I have never actually been tested for anything, and I honestly...truthfully...do not believe for a moment that I actually AM a sociopath. I simply found it interesting.
Because it is true that I don't connect to my emotions. I do feel them. I do experience them, but kind of only halfway.
Allow me a moment to try and make sense of this. You see there is a stopping point. I feel everything intensely. Burning. Radiating. Pulsing. I feel it start in the center, and grow. And then...
And then?
And then I don't feel it anymore. I watch it. That's the only way I know how to describe it. I watch it. As if on the other side of glass. Its still there. I can see it. I can observe its movements. I can watch it play with all the other little creatures that are kept over there...but I can't feel it. I can't relate to it. I can't connect to it. Except... and here for me is the real kick in the ass. The cherry on top. The frozen dessert in the cardboard box of my non-existent soul...
Except.
Except. Except. Except.
Except when I'm someone else.
When I am on stage. In a moment. When I have discovered that connection with someone else. As someone else. I find my honesty. The truth hidden inside a well rehearsed lie. Like cracking open a plastic bauble and finding a diamond inside.
This is rare. It doesn't happen every night of a performance, or even in every production. But it does happen. I have had moments of more beautiful intimacy on stage with strangers that have transcended any experience I've had off stage.
Is this sad? Probably. I honestly don't know. I don't have a comparison point. This is simply my life. My scale of measurement. My ability to relate to all those pretty little lights inside of me.
I apologize. I kind of went somewhere tonight I wasn't planning. I typically don't reveal this much about myself, and as I re-read this I was incredibly tempted to erase it all and call it a night.
Then I decided to take a big ole dose of fuckitol and let it ride. So here it is. And it all started with a single goddamn feeling. That still persists. That I still can't identify. Perhaps you are part of it. I truly don't know.
So I wait. I hope I recognize it whenever it happens. Whatever it is. I hope I'm perceptive enough to recognize it, and take appropriate action. Whatever action that may be. I recognize this is a very passive, Taoist approach, but of all the spiritual texts I've ever read, (and that covers pretty much all the significant ones), the Tao Te Ching is the only one that really resonated with me. So I will let the river run its course, and try my best to not swim up stream.
I guess.
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