The Big Break Up

I'm not getting into the hows and whys.  I know that we are programmed to want all the juicy little details, but I'm not giving them.  There wasn't any cheating.  Anyone who ever truly knew us... I mean really knew us...knows how nearly impossible that would be.

There wasn't any lying.  No sneaking around.  No broken dishes.  No yelling.  No screaming.  None of that really good juicy stuff.  There wasn't.

There was pain.  Of course.  How could there not be.  There was open dialogue.  There was long discussion.  There was hurt.

There was nothing that would make for good water cooler gossip, and I'm sorry to those of you who may need that in order to remain interesting at said water cooler, but the break up? It was pretty mundane as far as something to talk about with your friends later.

Initially it was her decision.  She made the move, and you know what...it was the right one.  For both of us.  That doesn't make it hurt less...maybe even hurt more, to know that you are exactly wrong, for the person you love the most.

That's pretty much all I have to say about that.  No more information is needed to communicate what is really between her and I.  The rest is personal, and I hope you can respect that.

So now I'm single again.

This is not my first breakup.  Previously I had been married for ten years to an amazing woman, whom I am still friends with, and that ended in similar fashion to this relationship.  Upon being single again that time, I discovered that I got along rather well with myself.  I enjoyed it.  I adjusted well, after a time, to the company of me.

Then I began my next serious relationship.  The one that is ending now.  I told a very dear friend of mine that if for any reason it ended, then that was it.  Two and out.  I meant it then.

I'm sticking to it now.

I'm tapping out of the love game.  I know at the top of a breakup this seems like something very easily said.  I know a lot of you will be thinking...oh just give it time, you'll find someone else.

I don't want someone else.  I really don't.  I've been with two amazing, incredible women in my life.  I have been more lucky than a person like me ever really deserves to be.  I have given my everything to both of them, and both times it was phenomenal.  I can't express that enough.  I have no anger, or bitterness, toward the idea of love.  I find it to be the most beautiful thing on the planet, and the greatest source of joy.

I'm just not built for relationships.  Some people aren't, and that's okay.

Friendship?  Yes.
Love?  Yes.
Sex?  Oh yes.
Relationships?  Not so much.

I aim to dedicate myself to bachelorhood.  Truly.  I want to be a much less good looking, much less wealthy, probably much less interesting version of George Clooney.  The kind of guy who makes a career out of being single.  The guy who has his shit together because he has dedicated himself to himself.

I don't know what the future holds.  I really don't.  I am going to focus more than ever on theatre.  That has always been my first passion, and part of the reason my relationships fail.  I might as well make my mistress my bitch.

I will suffer through the pain, and I will not share much of it with any of you.  This also is my nature.  Then I will move on.  I will continue to discover, to live, to laugh, to obsess over the things that make people uncomfortable.  To say the things we're all thinking but never talk about.   To go into the deepest darkest most horrible places, and find the jokes that live there and bring them back out with me.  Because that's who I am.  That's what I do.  And those who understand me will know that everything I do is dead serious, and nothing I do is serious at all.  Everything I say is a lie...except for the things that aren't.  Here is a truth...I probably care very deeply about you.  And if we haven't actually met, and you've made it this far through my little diatribe, I could probably care very deeply about you.  I probably love you.  And if I don't, I probably could.

Your friendship, your love, your laughs...these have all added so much more color to my life than I can ever tell you.  I will never have the words to properly express how much this means to me.

Single or not single.  Alone or with someone.  I am simply who I am, and if you have given me your friendship, knowing full well who I am, well that says something pretty amazing about you.

So thanks for bearing with me.  Thanks for being there.  I can't wait to see you again...or meet you for the first time ever.  Whatever the case may be...

There is always tomorrow.